You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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