We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
