Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
