i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
