just tell him i said nine months
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
