**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
