I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
