The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
