Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
