girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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