Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
