im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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