im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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