There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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