true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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