btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
