It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
