the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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