i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i think i just lost a toe
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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