Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
