too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
