You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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