Ambien. No doubt about it.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
