You just made me feel so damn special
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
