from now on my penis is your penis
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
