he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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