I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
