I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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