I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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