As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
