FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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