where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
