dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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