If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
