Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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