If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
