i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
