please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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