and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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