we have pet lesbian snakes
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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