I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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