i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tequila makes me forget i have legs
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
