My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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