Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
