I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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