i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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