I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
