rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
