In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
