i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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