I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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